To start off all this is true and I try to explain and make things pretty clear with detail.

Now i've never really had a father/son relationship, me and my dad cant really talk or do anything father/son like, examples like playing football and standing up for myself, instead my mum has always been there for me, I know she has really tried to be a "dad" but that just hasnt worked out.

Now I've had alot of trouble through school ever since day one i'd say. i cant really remember much of primary school anymore only the incidents that happened. Never really had many mates in primary and any friends I did get was just taken off me.

There wasnt really much trouble when I was in the infant section but soon as I got into the junior section It went down hill from them days to this day. Im guessing it was yr4 when we was moved into the juniors I cant remember, but I had a teacher called mr booth for my first year.

Mr was a twat and bastard I hated him he really didnt like me, I can remember 2 incidents in that year jus alone. One of these incidents was tara turners gameboy game getting nicked and put into my bag there was a full bag search in the class and when it come to mine well yeah it was in my bag…

The whole class then called me a theif, pointing and I couldnt kill this name off for years even today I hate being called a theif for something I never did.

That really didnt go down very well exspecially when it was parents evening the next week or so. I can remember it so clearly even to this day. I asked mum how parents evening went and she said we would have a talk when we get home, I knew I was in trouble, went we got home and in the house it was ok but soon as dad come home I had me and dad shoutng at me.

I shouted and screamed it wasnt me but they didnt listen they jus took all my stuff away so all I had in the end was my room… and bed.. no tv/hifi or anything.

The next incident was my first "being bullied" incident I was having trouble with nathen miller (he was new at the school at the time) and joesph wright oh and matty cawthorn they thought it would be fun to force my he down a toilet and flush it.

I cried so much when I got home, and mum asked what was up and I told her, the next day she went up the school and I would say matty can remember this still, my mum went after matty in the heads office in the end all I got was a pathitic "sorry" for all 3 lads but they made my life thru that school a mistery

So where was my friends? What friends all I had was marcus , toby , and ben but these was always taken off me by this FUCKING TWAT I STILL HATE HIM he is called richard the SMARTEST person in school and he was really tall, he would brag about how he had like 50 playstation games and they would all go off with him.

So in the end I jus give up and sat in the corner of the playground, you know the type everyone always has one in every year, so I had loads of trouble with bullies and popular people (I still hate there guts) christopher hitting me and intimedating me.

And then something happened in yr6 we got a teacher who taught IT I took a big interest in it, but when the teacher told me I was stupid, that what made me click.. and that day has bulit me up to what I have become today on a PC it was 1998 when we first got our PC and ONLY 6 months from then I was learning Frontpage 98.

Primary school finished, you know that day where they wrote on your shirt good luck and that? well mine was abuse *tear to eye* must carry on.

A new school, A new life? not really Going to peele school was one of my worst experiences in my entire life! In the summer holiday peele had this thing called introucion week or something, I'd say them 2 weeks was the best times in my school life.

There was a limited number of people no popular people jus the nice people well they was nice…

Year 7 started up totally new experience, until break time just in my fisrt few weeks I started having more trouble then before, it started when i was walking pass some popular people like gemma scot and that you know the "popular type" of people?

Ashley punched me, in the face… for just walking PAST them.. and from that life just got worst. Being hit a bruised daliy by Ashlet and Mark for example.

Having stuff lobbed at you like pens, pencils, rubbers they was litery being pelted at me and a few select others.

All this carried on throught year 8 and 9 I tried mulitiple times to commit sucide I wanted out and someimes today I want out.

In year 7 I found a new place to go because I hated break/dinner times the libary now to some this place was for all the geeks and stuff.. looking back on it I was really that much of a geek to be honest.

I made a few friends Foxy my best mate and then again I got alot more people that hated me… but I still cant see what I did wrong to them.

In 2000 I got my first website up and running only a small site on geocities (yes Yahoo Geocities was free at one time in life) this HAS to be the best thing I had done at that time but this got all ruined in year 8 or 9 I cant remember now.

Keith fox.. quite large but we got on fine until Paul and Matty decided to make a website about him and stick my name on it.

Now they see it as a joke, for me this was my worst experience I have had at that time.. Now first of all I didnt have the internet nor a credit card to buy the domain (web address)

So this what happened like every day I walked into the libary (my home) and im confronted with "I think you better get out of here tom" im like why I havnt done anything.. and the libarian tells me to get out.

A few minutes after im then faced with keith and his lot asking me why i made this site I said i didnt do it i swear his reponse was "Don't lie to me tom"

The school suspended me. rumours started round the school very horrible and graphic rumours.. I was accused of doing sick things with photos of pupils taking there head off and pasted onto naked pictures of children WHAT THE HELL!?

Mum found out and went absoluty mental the worst i've ever seen i was already depressed and this very closly sent me over the edge.

Mum rang up ashley mum and she told my mum what was going round I sat on the stairs just crying while mum was shouting at me telling me dads gonn go to rpison if this was true i kept repeating over and over again

IT WASNT ME while crying so much SHOUTING IT shaking like mad nearly making myself ill through it I tried to rip the pc out mum stopped me I thing was how could I do these things when I hadnt being on the net for 6 months!

Was I safe outside of school? NO in the weekend keiths lot all went to my house and told my mum to get me they wanted me down the park.. (A place i NEVER GO)

Mum told them I was at my nans I had seen them going past nans and rang up mum telling them it was kieth, mum had sent the people after me to the location when I was >_< They lucky thing is my nan didnt know I was there, I was upstairs hiding under a computer desk.

The school arranged a interview with my mum and me.. I was faced with a tonne of shit I havnt done there sat infront of me was a pile of stuff images all kindas of stuff i denied it all it wasnt me i wasnt admitting to stuff i never did.

They let me back into school. it was last lesson and french lesson had finished but what I had watching for me wasnt nice.

Kieth was outside he had a smile on his face, I walked out of class and started to walk away from him he followed me and stood infront of me, he put out his hand and said he wanted to shake hands, I was stupid to do it I know but, i put out my hand to the gesture he punched me 3 times in the stomach.

I was winding gasping for air while people round me ignored me I was totally ignored as if I didnt exist I got up in pain and walked to mums car and told her.

She turned round and back into the school i said please dont do it but she did the schol didnt do nothing in the end they let it go under the rule.. it was out of school hours.. what the hell it was on school grounds.

I gained yetmore people that hated me. So what i did to prove i didnt do it was a WHOIS on the domain and it come up with . I think paul said this was his grandad or something but the school didnt do nothing about it.

I hated PE.. it was the most vunerable time peole could get me. No teachers everyone could see it so they was the time when I was getting beat up my stuff thrown out the window everything in the end I stopped and refused to do PE

The PE teacher didnt listen to me that I was getting bullied sometime he foced me to get changed bysaying no1 can go out unless i get changed I still got beat up for it in the end.

throughout year 9 I started skipping school hiding because I was scared of the place I hated walking inot the school everyday, for me it was jus another day of intimedation.

Every lesson something was thrown at me everyday waiting for tutor to open door i was punched in the same place everyday I was buised from it too.

as you can imagine, being hit every day and mentally and physically being bullied would really effect me in person yes it did pretty bad too.

To this day I have a very nasty temper a rage, I become very strong and it takes for people to pin me down I have them roughly about every 2yrs, this is pure bottled anger.

I used to trash me room to the point there was nothing left I had 3 of these rages in 1 year, my dad had also fallen out with his parents who im now living with he has cut them out of his life for over 4 years now.

But i kinda brought them together When I had one of these rages mum and dad COULDNT pin me down I was too strong too angery (you would be if you could stand up for yourself and your being bullied daily)

In the end mum, dad, grandad, and nana pinned me down and called the doctor, he gave me this pill and put me to sleep for the night.

The thing is with these rages is I cant remember or control what im doing very dangerous too.

No dont get me wrong im not a phyco path or anything.

Year 9 come and went slowly and painfully I self harmed attempted sucide alot but im too cowardly even to do that.

Thinking about it… I have to be a really fucked up person and I know it.

After that last rage the doctor put me into anger management/councilling

Year 10 was the most painful experience (emotionally) I have ever had.

I was sexually touched framed and abused to the point the police had to come in.

year 10 A year of taking your options and coming to the end of your school life.

where do i start? I was in PE I hadnt done it now for at least 2yrs I counted. I sat out as normal but so did jayann mastin, sian may, kristie aldhouse, kristie was a really nice girl until she got with the popular lot the wrong crowd.

They was doing sexual gestures and I was fridgid back then anyways I couldnt even snog a girl or even kiss, they called me over I i thought i'd better go over there or else they would hit me (yes i had touble with girls too, girls hitting me and touching me in places i wasnt comfortable with, I report one incident and that FUCKING BITCHY AMERICIAN TEACHER MISS FAT-FUCKER-HAVE-TO-WALK-SIDEWAYS-TO-GET-IN-THE-DOOR just laughed.

Going back to sian ect they was touching me up downstairs and stuff I wasnt confortable with this at all after they did that some really bad rumours went arround saying I got my dick out for them i touched them and it was really bad I gained a new new nickname 1inch I could never kill that name off.

Thru out year 10 i had my phone stolen twice *sigh* £200 wasted thanks nathan I know it was you loads of people told me it and its pretty obvious you did the second time because you come round my fucking house!

However there was 1 nice thing that happened in my life Linzi. She gave me confidence and alot of it too I got rid of my fridgidness too.. Linzi and me it was perfect for 6 months I used to go round hers on a friday night and go home sunday I loved it we both did.

She had a friend called Darcy FUCKING POOF TWAT! linzi and him was best mates I knew this was trouble the start I used to ring linzi up at 9 every night for 1 hour we took it in turns.

I bought her everything she ever wantedI spend alot on her she was my first proper girl friend and in march 2004 I took her to spain but soon as we got back the love degraded… the phone calls shortened first to 45 then 30 and them 15 and 10 some night I could even talk to her.

She was talking to darcy longer then her own boy friend I stat accusing her that she was cheating on me I was right too. as them last months dropped i become more and more depressed because I knew what was happening. And on the worst time ever the bitch dumped me on my GCSEs thats the worst ime ever to dump someone.

I didnt care anymore I really didnt I come out with only 4 GCSES DDDE but i'll come back to why I got them results.

In year 10 there was a new girl called lorren she was from london she went out with ben … Now ben web and ashley was best mates and really cool people used to get on fine with them, again they got in with the wrong people.

he became such a fucking TWAT! and acted hard lorren decided to stur some shit about me stuff that would get me beatup and it did.. She come up to me and asked if i'd get my dick out for her… WTF shes got ben I said no… but sally SUCH A FUCKING BITCH! she bullied me too shouted to the class that i wanted to get my dick out for lorren… it inutes ben found out and he wasnt even in the same class.

I managed to live for one day by hiding in staff area but the next day i wasnt so lucky.. I was in mr office he was the system admin of the school I was well known with computers because all i used to do was hack sites and find pirn in teachers files… no seriosuly I did.

I was in his office talking and hiding while the teacher come everyone was waiting for me to come out of the room I told that if i go out there im going to get beat up he pushed me out and this "circle of death" as i like to call it formed round me.

100s of kids crowded round me in a circle and ben in front of me i pleaded to him it wasnt me but he punched me 5 times in the face.. i was still standing and i started to walk off when mr (our teacher standing for us come) haha just 2 minutes late you twat!

I shouted at him while my nose was pouring with blood my whole shirt was covered in bloodit was on the carpet and everywhere. I attempted to walk out of school but I blacked out because of all the blood.

A pool of blood was round me foxy was walking to his class when he see me laying on the ground he thought i was placing till i flipped over to glance at him my face was just blood he said.

I cant remember much after that i was dragged to first aid and cleaned up thats when i come back. y dad was called and I was taken home mum went mental when she found out what happened and we had only just moved into our new house at that time.

Ben got away with it I was given a in-school temper management helper she was pretty fit too, bad she was 30+ lolshe interviewed me and foxy nothing was done.

I told my in-school counciller and showed my bruises of me getting hit daily she took me to the class when the people was and showed everyone in the room what they had done to me… that stoped.

Stuart was a strange character one minute he was ok the next he stabbed me with a pencil and the lead is still in my arm.

The last incident in year 10 was the scissor incident I was redoing my graphics course work for the 3rd time when something hit me at the back of the head I noticed someone had thrown scissors at me I put my hand to the back of my head.. it was blood and loads of it there wasnt a teacher in the room instantly people was crowding round me and touchly my head and the blood :S

come in and was just shocked. Ashley ball took me down to the office where they told him to take me to the toilets to tidy up a head injury with paper towels in a toilet, I found that WAY OUT OF ORDER.

the school got the police in which made matters worst he told everyone in the school what had happened and everyone turned and looked at me… very uncomfortable.

The police come round i was interviewed others was interviewed everyfucker stood up for james who did it case closed. He got away with it.

so thats year 10.. sucks didnt it?

Year 11, now year 11 I only had one month of thatbecause i was pulled out because I got bullied too much. in school they had these bag bins where people chucked there school bags in Ian puch me into one of these where then ryan and loads of other people chucked bags on me poured coke on me put a char on me and sat on me..

My air was cut off and i become uncontious 10minutes later i was pulled out and i was very shacky it really shuke me up this time mum got the police in nothing was done about it.

that day was my last day at school. I was pulled out by education welfare and did home study.. well if the school had sent work home that is.. i was rendered usless in the end with only Maths D, English E, Science (they fucked that up) E,E but they put me in for 2 tests so i also got D,D and graphics E I really didnt help me with linzi dumping me for a boy who cheated on her before and is younger then her.

so there you go Thats roughtly my whole life might have missed bits out but i would say I;ve got the emotional bits in there..

Word of advice: if you are a bully think twice before you do it you could be putting there life through hell, you could even drve someone to sucide..

Thanks for reading please please pass this site onto others and please if you have read through it leave a comment its very important to me that you comment.

Tom Parker, 17 26/08/2005

tom@gapras.co.uk - http://tom.gapras.co.uk

Posted by Tom Parker / Confusion and Emotional and Love and Milestones